Life is tough, but I remind myself that it’s an experience I’m to embrace with an open-mind, sorta like a passer-by than a permanent inhabitant, if you know what I mean.
Something about knowing that life’s not gonna carry on forever helps me see my daily challenges and struggles in new light.
After working for about half a year, I realized that I actually earned more respect as a student than as a working adult. If I don’t watch it, I’ll turn bitter. There’s this force compelling me into believing that I have to prove my worth, to earn respect, and that I deserve shitty treatment when I get it, because it’s all part of the rite of passage before I earn a status. Unknowingly, this is what I find myself believing… and I suppose it’s the same for a lot of people out there, especially in the country.
I find myself getting angry about all of it.
Certainly it’s not healthy to life live this way, with this attitude and mindset, or it’d only be a matter of time before I burn out…
But I thank God for this experience anyway, because it’s made me a wiser person, if only slightly. I need to learn to be more discerning when it comes to dealing with my colleagues. Sometimes, they make you do all the work but usurp all the credit. And when you do a 1 million things rightly, they’d still find something to find fault with. It really frustrates and upsets me a whole lot. I wish things would change, but I guess God’s still got His plans for me.
I feel very tempted to go to another hospital to work, but I don’t wanna be the kind of person that runs away the moment things get a little hard. And if God feels that the root issue lies within me more so than it lies with my circumstances, then changing jobs is not going to be the answer… I guess I just gotta suck it up and be a brave girl.
I feel disappointed cos people can get all-chummy with you, make you believe you’re really friends, then exploit that friendship for their personal gain. God bless their small heart… It’s one thing to hear about such people, and another to experience it yourself. But what I believe is that such people will be seared by their own conscience… so rather than exact compensation, let God deal with them. All things are in His hands, and under His control.
There’s this one colleague of mine, S, who’s a really kind and helpful lady. She’s genuine and sincere as a friend, a confidante, but when it comes to work, it’s another story. But who can blame people for being this way? I guess it’s just our innate human nature that makes us act this way. I feel really disappointed though… Oh well. Forget it. What’s the point of harping over such things? I’m just not one who’ll fight back, but rather contain anger and disappointment until I break down. Isn’t healthy, but I really don’t know how else to deal with it… except to trust that God’s grace shall manifest in my areas of weaknesses.
I suppose one can only connect the dots looking backwards…things happen for a reason. Things that seem meaningless may one day have a purpose… so, I just gotta keep on keeping on, no matter how life breaks my heart. I trust God.
Alright.
Gonna go.
Xx
